Death.

Probably the scariest word out there with the power to topple and disrupt many lives in just a strike. The immediate after effect of death is grief, crying and lot of pain. Everyone talks about this, everyone has developed coping mechanisms to deal with it. What no one talks about are the perilous after effects of death.

Death comes by, inflicts a crashing pain- we reel under this pain for a few days, but life continues and we feel time has healed everything. And why is not surprising, thats what we have been taught from childhood that only time will heal everything.

"समय सब ठीक कर देता है"

What no one teaches is for time to heal everything you need to deal with everything.

It is not upto time to magically make everything better, to magically erode the deep sentiments, emotions that might have been built up in you.

I recently went through something similar- the death of my most beloved dog, Bruno.

Well, it happened more than 6 months ago and so theoretically I should have been okay by now, right? Thats what the adage says- time will heal everything. Not until recently that I realised that for it to happen I first need to deal with it.

I had done all the standard coping things that the universe somehow naturally tells you. to do- crying, seeing videos and pictures and chatting with people who like you are feeling the same kind of loss and pain. Doing this did make me feel a little better but I have come to realise that it was just a first aid kit kind of a treatment. It did not really help me deal with the real wound which to heal needed acknowledgment.

I realised why this deep and still throbbing pain existed within me- i was feeling regret. Regret of not taking the plunge and visiting my Bruno when he was sick, when he probably needed me the most.

I waited.

I waited and booked tickets which were more per my convenience and while i was counting days to be able to visit Bruno, all of a sudden just like that he left. I could not see him one last time, could not feel him one last time, could not smell him one last time, could not give him a kiss one last time.

I had no closure.

At first I thought its not big a deal, i was wrong.

One cannot fully heal without closure, one cannot fully move on without closure.

While the nature of my closure now has changed I finally feel I am in the process of getting it. Closure is not like ripping off the band-aid. Its not like how they show in the movies where you talk to somebody about it, cry out and done. I think closure in itself is a big process and one cannot fully attain closure without first acknowledging the need for it. Dealing with things involves going back and accepting whatever happened has happened. For the longest time i refused to recollect the events that led to Bruno's death. I refused to talk about it, think about it, deal with it. It just stayed with me in some dark corner of my mind.

In my defence, it is tough. It is tough to even ack this. I spent the last 6 months in denial- thinking I am not weak enough to be needing this. But through a series of events over the last couple of days I now realise how much better my last 6 months would have been, if only...

The guilt and regret i felt was so strong that it rendered me helpless to be able to get in touch with my emotions in a real way.

I feel the way I have behaved in the last 6 months has been significantly different from what I actually am. I am not aware of the psychological games at play here but looking back at 6 months is scary, even for me. I cannot fully comprehend my attitude towards many things.

To now realise that all this was because of my incapability to deal with death feels even worse.

I had made a scrap book of Bruno's pictures and videos and probably would have watched it for just over 3-4 times in the last 6 months. And every time I have watched it I have cried. The day I smile after watching that video, with memories, with joyous remembrance is the day I will say I have truly moved on.

Normally I have seen everyone including myself continue with life saying the departed soul wouldn't have wanted to see you like this. They would have wanted you to move on in life. But i think very few people truly understand what it is to move on. I was clueless too. I am grateful for whatever has happened in the last few days that made me realise that there are some unfinished emotions piling up inside me and now I finally seem to have gathered the strength to deal with it.

I hope I not just move on with my life which Bruno probably would have wanted but I become a much better version of myself which Bruno definitely would have wanted.

There was great learning for me in this journey and to summarise it:

"Time will heal everything, but only if you deal with everything."